Book 3: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*uck

Book 3

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*uck

A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

By: Mark Manson

Published 2016

ISBN:978-0-06-245771-4

Approximately 210pages

Book three, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson, jumped off the Amazon.com page for me probably for the same reason it jumped out at many people, the bright orange color. No really, because of the word "fuck." While not the most appropriate word in the world, it is one that is firmly in my vernacular.  It's just such a versatile word.

It's becoming such common place that I read something recently that late night cable series may no long have to edit it out. The late George Carlin's list, from this 1978 clip of the "Seven Dirty Words You Can't Say on Television," is continuing to dwindle. I'm beginning to wonder what is even off limits anymore.

Alright enough about that, let's talk about the book. My overall thoughts are the book was enjoyable. It was easy to read and pretty straight forward, similar to my first book. There are a number of things within the book not necessarily earth shattering new information, but instead, a new way of thinking.  Additionally, there are a few pieces of the book I disagreed with the author.

Manson discusses the idea that physical and psychological pain indicate something is out of balance and life is a series of problems to be solved. Our happiness lies in what problems we choose to solve and how we choose to solve them. He also, early on, discusses his interpretation of negative and positive emotions. Negative emotions, he states, "are a call to action. When you feel them, its because you are supposed to do something" (pg. 34). Positive emotions" are rewards for taking the proper action" (pg. 34).

The author also dives into our digital reality. We live in such an information heavy age, our own insecurities can be magnified by the latest web page or article we have access to. Not to mention the intentional personal bullying that could ensue through social media. Through this, Manson spends a bit of time discussing entitlement and the "easier and more problem-free our lives become the more we seem to feel entitled for them to get even better" (pg. 57). I believe the biggest thing that struck me, and I have internalized this personally, is "Technology has solved old economic problems by giving us new psychological problems. The Internet has not just open sourced information it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt, and shame" (pg. 60). How many of us (raising my hand) have felt some sort of inadequacy reading a "Facebook friend's" post regarding a new job, promotion, or recognition or even things in their personal lives such as engagements, weddings, children, or a new pet and not felt some sort of jealousy or "I'm better than that person so why am I not achieving that?" We all do it in one form or another.

Manson then begs the question, "if suffering is inevitable, if our problems in life are unavoidable, then the question we should be asking is not 'How do I stop suffering' but 'Why am I suffering-for what purpose'" (pg. 69)? He then goes into something I have found helpful recently he called the "self awareness onion."

The self awareness onion looks like this: (pg. 70)

1. Understand one's emotions.
2. Having the ability to ask why one feels certain emotions.
3. Our personal values: Why do I consider this to be a success or failure? How am I chosing to measure myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me?

He then moves into how changing or adjusting our values will change how we see our problems. I believe it was summed up pretty well on pg. 89 when he said, "...self improvement is really about: prioritizing better values, choosing better things to give a fuck about. Because when you give better fucks, you get better problems. And when you get better problems, you get a better life."

The next piece of the book I have recently resonated with all too much. The first piece that stuck out to me was when Manson states, "We don't always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond" (pg 94). This statement couldn't be truer. How you interpret everything around you and how you respond to it outwardly is key to having the resources and support to decide how to press on with it. However, one must realize that your interpretation of a situation may be different from someone else. One cannot enforce their own experience/interpretation of a given situation on another.

Manson discusses a concept of "victimhood chic" later in the book. Now I don't know if it's because of the industry I am in and/or evaluations of myself, but this concept I believe comes very much from a place of privilege and I don't necessarily agree with the author's stance. Manson discusses "victimhood chic" as being "in style on both the right and the left today, among both the rich and the poor. In fact, this may be the first time in human history that every single demographic group has felt unfairly victimized simultaneously. And they're all riding the highs of the moral indignation that comes right along with it" (pg 110-112). He goes on to say "Right now, anyone who is offended about anything-whether it's the fact that a book about racism was assigned in a university class, or that Christmas trees were banned at the local mall, or the fact that taxes were raised half a percent on investment funds-feels as though they're being oppressed in some way and therefore deserve to be outraged and to have a certain amount of attention" (pg 110-112). It may be the way I'm reading the section, but it just seems to read very privileged and derogatory. That many sub-sects of this species don't have the right to feel victimized. Now,  I don't know how the author identifies, however, judging from the picture in the back cover he looks to be in his late thirties early forties, white, heterosexual (he later discusses the relationship he has with his wife), and male. There is some privilege that comes with that identity and being a best selling author.

The remainder of the book had me questioning if there was any good left. Discussing searching for doubt and measuring success by your failures. These are things I tend to do regularly. I have been the pessimistic optimist searching for all of the things that could go wrong, attempting to troubleshoot issues that haven't occurred, and fretting (usually) all for not.

The final two chapters in the book really do tie some concepts together. The first is, while we all want to have many experiences and sometimes less is more. If we have less, perhaps we can appreciate it more deeply. I recently had an interaction illustrating this. I had a student venture into my office stating they were stressed out. I keep a number of mindfulness pieces in my office including a coloring book and crayons (and yes I work with college students). When I presented the student with the coloring book and 8 pack of crayons, we discussed the intentionality I had with only having the 8 pack versus having the giant 96 pack of crayons. Because when you are using this as a calming activity, having more choices into what colors to use, as strange as it sounds, could amplify the individuals anxiety.  Having minimal choices in colors, the student could appreciate the different shades of those basic colors based on how hard or softly they pressed and at what angle they colored from. I believe in the field I work in this is also true of our advising/supervision style and the student response. We can see different shades and depths of them (their personalities, their potential, and their present) the way we push and at what angle we push from.

The final piece discusses coming to grips with our own mortality. This discusses, what something in the fraternity/sorority advising field talk about a lot, leaving a legacy. Manson leaves us with four questions (pg. 205):

• How will the world be different and better when you're gone?
• What mark will you have made?
• What influence will you have caused?
• They say that a butterfly flapping it's wings in Africa can cause a hurricane in Florida; well, what hurricanes will you leave in your wake?

Manson mentions in the chapter that humans are the only animal having the ability to conceptualize their own mortality. Knowing this, he suggests once we come to grips with our mortality, we can put our values into perspective and begin laying the foundation of our legacy. Again, I believe this to be true when thinking about my profession as well. I view part of my role is to help the undergraduates understand their time within the chapter is limited and how are they laying a foundation for their organization to continue to grow and prosper.

As much as I found the book bouncing around and changing concepts, I did enjoy it. Again, not going to lie, I enjoyed the "colorful" language throughout the book. I found myself laughing out loud in some sections. For those of you who don't necessarily enjoy the vulgarity of such language, it is not as prevalent as I may make it out to seem. I would recommend this book for individuals who are looking for a way to put the issues they are dealing with in perspective. While it won't provide you with easy strategies to completely change your perspective, it will provide you with an intellectual release and cleansing that you can let some things go.  It's just a matter of how you chose to let them go and what you are going to replace them with that is important.

Citation:
Manson, M. (2016) The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuative Approach to Living a Good Life. San Francisco, CA. HarperOne Publishing.

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The Contract

(Pat Forde)